Ladies and gents, will you please allow me
To welcome you to the delusions I have so carefully set free
I’m writing this rhyme while riding the bus in this windy February
They’re playing his decade-old song like it’s still a nice play

Yes, that song that I had considered lame
But he had loved it so much, was he that insane?
About summers and lightning, I couldn’t help it but smile
How could there be flashes of lightning when it was summer all the time?

He had hated it when I kinda ruined his song
I would have hated me too for being an insensitive troll
But worry not as I couldn’t forgive myself and hated me more
When I let him hold my beer and made him watch all the things I had carelessly destroyed

I had been all over the places which were never good for him
I was finding myself in so many places even I didn’t understand existed
I should have found my place next to him but I failed in so many levels
He remained the best thing that I never knew I had wanted

I should have said this very very much earlier
I decided not to because we were doing good despite what had happened
Did he realise how I could have directed the courses of our lives?
Having that much power to make or break had been scarier than bright

If we had to go back to that fateful November
I would have told him I loved him too, even said it much louder
But we couldn’t and I messed us all up
I had always regretted that and he should have known that I knew I fucked us up

So every single piece of the narrative had been my fault
There had been no way around it and I never tried beating any bush
Never had a moment of hate for him, because how could I?
In my resume of fuckeries, one more entry would have been overabundant

Oh, I could forget about it all but I could never forget this query
How could he love the version of me that I had hated every single day?
Not once did I believe it so I made him the bad guy in my head
It was the only thing that made sense to me who didn’t even know how to love myself

I had been so lost but never realized he had always found me
I looked at me so little; I hated every inch of my fragility
My life was full of goodbyes but his goodbye was the one that hurt the most
That tight hug that December had been the tightest hug I’ve ever felt

I was smiling my sweetest because he had always loved it
I wanted him to remember me — always smiling — deliberately hiding all the pain
Knew from that moment that we would never look at each other the same
Knew from that moment it was another goodbye, and it was for him

Over time, I finally knew how to do it
Loved me more and appreciated self like he always did
The moment I saw what he saw in me that was so badass
There was no stopping me, even he, I believed, could only watch from the distance

I knew I loved him, though, when all was said and done and yet we were still tight
Then the genuine happiness I felt knowing that he had found his best light
How he has been killing it in life — no surprise there, mate
A guy like him has always been destined for the greatest

I could thank him a lot for showing me how somebody should treat me
He should know I have never settled for anything less and never will I be
He had set the standard so high even I couldn’t believe it
Many years have passed yet he still proves that he has always been the best

How ironic that I currently find myself going home in a bus where his song is blasting
Every lyric and every beat as powerful as the memories they can claim
In another universe a decade past, I see my self sitting in a bus smiling down at him from the window
Him holding it together, me with my smile steady, as the bus started moving so are the tears streaming sadly

Author: Mark Atong

If he is not taking advantage of his skills on full-time IT employment, he is going different places and hopefully making his mother proud. He believes writing is his passion; but it has yet to prove to pay his bills. He is a fun-loving individual who would rather stay at home reading books and catch-up on episodes of TV shows.

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